The Cavendish Show: Does My Soul Mate Have A Son!
by the-uno-and-only
Summary: When Crocodile wants to know if Sanji is related to Doflamingo, Robin decides to do a DNA test. Thus The Cavendish Show is born! ...A Jeremy Kyle Show parody featuring Dofladile based on a fan theory.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything from One Piece or the Jeremy Kyle Show, nor did I come up with the theory**

 **Warnings: Mild swearing and mild violence**

 **Author's Note: Takes place after the Dressrosa arc. Maybe slight AU cause I have yet to finish the arc yet :3. I came across the theory on Youtube and later found a forum. I have added the links at the end of the story for you to check them out. I just thought we needed to get Jeremy Kyle on the case but I had to make do with Cabbage. Thanks for reading and any reviews would be appreciated (^w^).**

* * *

Robin struggled to leave the _Thousand Sunny_ without being noticed. The crew had docked at a popular town to stock up on food and other things. At least, that's what Robin wanted them to think. _She_ had a lunch that she couldn't be late for. Oh, and it was also a secret. Only including her and the man she was to meet. Hence why she needed to leave without anyone else tagging along.

Before reaching the exit, Robin checked around deck. Only Franky was in sight, making some upgrades on the _Thousand Sunny_ before he decided to stretch his legs and explore the island. For the moment, the cyborg seemed too involved in his project to notice Robin's presence. Good.

"Robin!" Nami's voice yelled as she climbed up the stairs. The girl had changed her clothes faster than usual. "I'm glad you haven't left yet."

 _If only I could say the same_ , Robin thought bitterly. Yet she greeted her well-loved friend with a tight smile as gears turned in her head. "Is that so?" Robin asked to invite more information out before putting her foot in it.

Nami showed a puzzled look. "Well, yeah. I was hoping we could go to get some smoothies- just us girls without the idiots."

"Hey, I hope you're not calling me an idiot," Franky replied as he climbed the ship's mast with his goggles over his eyes. The cyborg tightened his bare legs around the mast's body before throwing his arms in the air. "I am SUPEeEEeEeE-R!"

With momentary shock, Robin's eyes widened as she watched Franky's falling figure. Recovering in less than a second, she quickly made a net of hands and caught her blue-haired friend.

The man gave Robin a thumbs up in the middle of his laughter. The woman nodded her head in return, smiling to herself. Franky wouldn't have been badly hurt if she hadn't caught him but she had to act before reason could catch up to her. The ship was saved.

"And that makes my case," Nami sighed, her heart still racing.

"I'm sorry Nami but I don't really feel in the mood to go out and get smoothies. But feel free to go without me," Robin said, watching her friend's face fall in disappointment.

If Robin wasn't such a good liar, Nami might've been more suspicious. She pleaded a few times before she got Robin to agree to do some clothes shopping with her later and left the ship.

It would've been more convenient in some ways if Robin had left first. Her date was not always a patient man. This way; however, Nami wouldn't be following behind her. It suited Robin more.

"Why didn't you leave with Nami?" Franky quietly asked. He scratched his neck, before adding, "Actually, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to…it's none of my business…just stay out of trouble."

"Thanks Franky," Robin smiled gratefully, nearly sighing in relief. "I will." She waved goodbye to him, before jumping off the ship and running to her destination.

She would've loved to fly through the air using her powers. To feel the warm breeze in the sky would've felt nice. If only it was less noticeable. Huge wings did attract a lot of attention. And so it should.

"You're late Nico Robin," a tired voice hissed. It was difficult to find a low key café on this island but of course Sir Crocodile found the best place. He hadn't changed much since she last saw him. Admittedly, it had only been a month.

Catching her breathe, the woman placed her handbag on the ground after putting her big sunglasses in it. She couldn't justify wearing them in such a dark corner.

"It's hard to leave without being seen," Robin said as her eyes read the list of cold drinks on the café's menu. She was in the mood for a smoothie. "You're the one wanting to keep it a secret."

The man blew a puff of smoke from his cigar at his former employee's face. Once again, Robin seemed unfazed by the action. Only her nostrils flared at the disgusting smell. The lack of reaction never stopped him from trying again for something bigger.

"They don't need to know what we're up to yet," Crocodile said, taking note of Robin's relieved look when her ears heard the last word. He continued, "If they found out now, we couldn't go any further with this and I'm not prepared to let my mind be plagued with what-ifs."

Robin played with her fingers under the table. She didn't enjoy keeping secrets from her crew - especially from Sanji – but it was hard to argue with her former boss. They had gotten so far already. It'd be a shame to stop already. Feeling Crocodile glaring at her as he waited for a compliant response, Robin nodded her head.

Unsatisfied with the minimal gesture, Crocodile leaned forward in his chair. "I want to place my trust in you Robin- a lot of it. Which I remind you, isn't easy for me. This means a big deal to me and I think it matters to you, too. So I'm going to need more than a little nod to ensure we don't mess things up."

Doing her best to remember to breathe, Robin couldn't help but be reminded of how glad she was not to be working under the ex-warlord anymore. The tension she got from him clung to her like sand. Before accepting his proposition a month ago, Robin had sworn not to let Crocodile have any power over her. Yet he was itching to take a bite.

"Romantic lunch for two?" a waitress suddenly inquired.

Robin had to stop herself from frowning. How in the world could they look like a couple? If the low, harsh laugh coming from Crocodile wasn't much of a hint, Robin replied with the truth, "It's a business lunch for two- thankfully."

Once the waitress left with their orders, Crocodile asked for Robin to bring out the list she had been writing for the past month. He analysed the list that had a coffee stain on it with a growing frown. When he finished, he deeply inhaled his cigar.

"Why is this so short?" he asked, passing the paper back.

Robin raised an eyebrow, questioning her own work. "I didn't think it was short…How long is yours?"

Crocodile waited for the waitress to return with their drinks and then leave. Searching the pockets of his luxurious jacket, he took out and unfolded four pieces of worn out paper. Robin was amazed Crocodile had managed to fill the paper with his tiny handwriting. She had barely managed to fill one side of her page.

Ignoring Crocodile's obnoxious smirk, she carefully glanced at his work. And then she frowned. "Is most of this really relevant? This whole page could be thrown out: it's unnecessary."

"Hmm?" Crocodile murmured, "Let me see…" The man seemed unable to wait for Robin to gather all the paper and pass it over. Even then, he snatched the single page Robin had turned up with. "It's good to be thorough in this type of work…You never know what could pop out."

Robin struggled to hold in her laughter - particularly when Crocodile had to clear his throat in embarrassment. "I don't think having the same opinion on pet crocodiles will be the full proof evidence we're looking for to convince them of our findings."

"Well, we'll never know now, will we?" Crocodile hissed before comparing the two lists.

If he was honest, he wished he asked for Robin's help sooner. She did more than a decent job. When this question had blossomed like a big, annoying flower in his head, he tried to ignore it at first. But it never started to wilt and thus he decided to finally do something about it. However, he could only go so far without the help of Robin. She was in close proximity of Sanji and she wouldn't cause a whiff of suspicion. At last, he felt they were getting closer to the bottom of this mystery.

"This is good," Crocodile said, tracing some of the writing with his heavy hook. "It might not be enough to convince them – or even us – but it's enough to keep searching until something more solid turns up." He brushed a hand through his hair as he thought. "How we go to get whatever evidence we need, I have no idea."

Robin took a quick sip from her smoothie. " _I_ have an idea. As long as you can get Doflamingo to come, things should be settled afterwards."

Crocodile shot her another questioning glare before his lips started to move. "What idea do you pro-,"

"Robin?" Nami's voice interrupted.

The man only cursed before turning into sand, hiding under the table. With any luck the room was so dark Nami hadn't seen his large figure. Robin tried to look nonchalant as she waved her friend over. _Oh well, we could end the meeting now._

"Just trust me Crocodile," Robin said, trying not to move her lips too much. "I'll phone you the details nearer the time."

Robin held a grimace as she felt sand moving past her legs. She struggled not to watch it leave the café, as subtly as a pile of sand could, through an open window. Luckily, Nami hadn't noticed the sand-man. Unluckily, she was looking angry at Robin. "I thought you didn't want to get a smoothie," she said and then pointed at Crocodile's abandoned, and untouched, drink. "Or did you just want to be with someone else?"

"Be with someone else?" Robin forced a laugh. "Of course not! I changed my mind and ordered a drink for you in case you found me- which you have." Her arm gestured to the seat opposite hers.

After taking a sip of the fresh orange juice, Nami seemed satisfied with the explanation. She was even apologetic. Robin couldn't wait for the lying to be over. The guilt was eating away at her. If Crocodile didn't happen to order Nami's favourite drink then the secret would've been uncovered.

Somehow, the coincidence bothered her a little. As she spoke with Nami, she couldn't help but think about it. Liking the same drink was one of the things she had noticed from comparing her and Crocodile's list. If she did the same thing as what they did but instead made the lists about Crocodile and Nami, maybe they'd look the same as the ones they had written about Doflamingo and Sanji. But obviously Crocodile and Nami weren't related. Robin couldn't help wondering if this was fate's way of pushing her to make the DNA test happen.


	2. Just Enjoy The Show

With painful regret, Crocodile asked himself why he ever agreed to this stupid show. Loosening his scarf, he thought about it: Robin had suggested a DNA test would be easy; the show's team would do all the hard work and he'd get to sit down and relax. When Doflamingo and Sanji realised what was going on, it'd be too late for them to back out. Slowly, a feeling of calmness passed over him.

"We're VIP," Crocodile told the girl selling the tickets, gesturing at his and Doflamingo's badge. The pale man did his best to ignore the complaints of other people in the line wanting VIP seats too. Doflamingo on the other hand was enjoying the attention. Crocodile wondered how long that would last. The worker directed them to a backstage door before resuming selling the tickets.

Once through the backstage doors, Doflamingo wrapped an arm around Crocodile. The shorter of the two hissed in protest, the narrow corridors not giving him enough room to fight the other off. Hearing laughter, he decided to turn into sand and briskly walk ahead once he was free.

"Fufufufu, don't play hard to get Crocci." Doflamingo said smiling. "I highly doubt you bought VIP seats for us to just watch _The Cavendish Show_. Nobody knows anything about it and I can't see it becoming your favourite show, unless…are you one of his fanboys?"

"As if I'd want another arrogant blonde chasing after me," Crocodile grumbled, not fighting as hard as last time to squirm out of the other's arm.

Upon entering the small 'VIP' room, both of them noticed the camera on the wall.

"Are they…" Doflamingo frowned as he walked over to investigate it, "…going to spy on us?"

Knowing the answer but not wanting the camera to be destroyed, Crocodile slapped Doflamingo's flexing hand away from it. "I'm not planning on paying for any damages while we're here," Crocodile warned before sitting on the long couch and resting his feet on the table while crossing his arms.

"I'm quite happy to pay," Doflamingo offered. He knew money wasn't really the problem. Curious but sensing how tense Crocodile really was, the blonde simply decided to rest his head on the other's lap while he positioned himself , lying on the couch like a good boy.

"Get off me you overgrown bird!"

"I will when the camera turns on," Doflamingo promised with a smile.

Crocodile couldn't help thinking about all the reasons this show was a bad idea. Cavendish had wormed his way into turning the show all about him; it's a stupid reality show; Doflamingo and Sanji could be hot headed idiots; not just random people sat in the audience but Cavendish had spread the word to other pirates across the world and even the marines were in the audience as well. Worst of all, his privacy was being compromised. Crocodile could barely contain his nerves.

His patience was wearing thin.

* * *

"Sanji!" Robin called the blonde over. "Could you prepare the food? The cook who was meant to do it just called saying he couldn't make it."

"Yeah, anything for you, Robin-san!" Sanji skipped over to her, hearts popping out of his eyes.

Taking into consideration that this was the first episode of _The Cavendish Show_ , it was easy to deceive Doflamingo and Sanji into entering the two special guest rooms for them to wait in until Cavendish called them through.

The crew had made Sanji's room into a kitchen and another bonus was that everyone could have a meal- all on Crocodile's tab.

"I've got to go now," Robin said, one foot already out of the door. Sanji was in his element, bossing around some of the show's crew, so she didn't feel too guilty leaving him. "Remember to relax and enjoy the show." It was a worry that Sanji would be so focused on cooking the lunch, he wouldn't watch.

"Don't worry about me, Robin-san," Sanji said, showing her a confident smile. "I've got everything under control here. You go and enjoy the show too."

And with that, Robin left him with a shaky smile. She hoped Sanji would forgive her.

* * *

Still waiting for the show to start, Cavendish was told to interview some of the guests. "Straw Hat," Cavendish greeted. "What brings you to my show?"

"Luffy, stop picking your nose! It's rude!" Usopp whispered loudly to his restless Captain.

"Uhmm, Robin really wanted us to go," Luffy replied honest as ever, still picking his nose. "Has it ended yet?"

"Hahaha, what a joker," Cavendish said, trying to laugh it off. He couldn't help giving Luffy an annoyed look before patting him on the back and finding someone else to pester.

"Traffy, my man," the presenter said, throwing his best smile towards the crowd. He raised his hand in a gesture to fist bump.

In response, Law shot him a death glare. Cavendish wasn't afraid; however, he did lower his hand. If the worst generation couldn't be used to gain popularity for his show, he would've raised his sword for the offence.

"What brings you here to _The Cavendish Show_?"

"The producer wanted the best doctors present in case anything unpleasant happened," Law answered before responding to Chopper's request to high five. Cavendish tried not to look too jealous. "I'm not here for any other reason. I don't know what the show is even about."

"Isn't the unknown exciting, Traffy?" Cavendish slyly said. He moved on before Law could comment.

The camera panned to the front row. The whole row was reserved for the marines as a bribe to let the show go on.

"You're looking very comfortable there Sengoku," Cavendish noted.

"I am," the man with the amazing afro replied. "Thanks for inviting us. The marines need events like these to make little get-togethers happen every now and then."

"And thanks for not trying to imprison us dashing pirates," the presenter said in return. "So what are you looking forward to seeing on tonight's show most?"

"Well you haven't really told us what the show is," Sengoku inclined to the comfortable looking couches onstage. "I'm guessing it's some sort of interview talk show."

"Are the rumours true?" Garp, who was sitting beside his old boss, leaned forward in his chair and into the camera's view. "Are we getting free food?" His mouth started to drool.

"How did that get leaked?" Cavendish asked the camera-man.

"Princess Vivi offered to provide catering so we maybe let her in on the plan, sir."

"A princess offered to cater for our show?" Cavendish pulled a blank face before replacing it with one of excitement. "She must really love my show! But don't tell Straw Hat about the food or he'll be whining that he's starving until the end of the show…"

Once everyone agreed, Cavendish decided to stop the interviews with the audience and to start the first ever episode of the show.

Inhaling deeply, Cavendish waited until the voice in his earpiece counted down. 3…2…1.

"Hello and welcome to _The Cavendish Show_ ," Cavendish posed for the camera as people in the audience cheered. "On tonight's show, a man is looking for answers. Does his long term partner have a secret love child? I ask you all to give a warm welcome to the ex-warlord, Sir Crocodile!"

There was the odd boo, particularly from the corner where people from Alabasta sat. Overall, the audience was positive.

Crocodile hesitantly took a seat opposite from where Cavendish sat, glaring at the presenter for putting him in this trap. He hadn't agreed to this! A part of him knew he would be in the firing line, Crocodile tried to reason with himself. It wouldn't look good to just walk off stage and have a hissy fit.

That's what Crocodile tried to think about when he turned to see the white writing on the large TV screen in the middle of the stage's wall. The screen was focused on his face.

" _Does My Soul Mate Have A Son?!_ " Crocodile read aloud, his face growing read. "We are not soul mates! What am I even doing here? You idiot, just tell me the results of the DNA test so I can leave!"

Cavendish stopped covering his ears from his guest's furious words. "Relax Crocodile…I'll only reveal the results at the end of _The Cavendish Show_ to draw out the episode and my time of fame as long as possible. Oh," Cavendish paused as if this was only an afterthought, "and the producer also said to give you guys some much needed therapy."

Crocodile scoffed, "I don't need a therapist."

"I'll be the judge of that," Cavendish replied with squinted eyes. Crocodile looked particularly crazy at the moment because of the pressure on his love life. "So how long have you two crazy lovebirds been together?"

"We're _not_ together," the guest replied before shuffling in his seat.

The host tried to contain his sly smile. Crocodile was falling deeper into his trap. If all things went to plan, then the ex-warlord would be lying in his own grave.

"Ah, so you like to sleep around- much like that possible baby daddy!" the last part, Cavendish only directed to the crowd.

"Oh, he's killing me!" Brook laughed. "Or at least, he would be if I wasn't already dead."

"How vulgar," Mihawk commented.

"Oh, he went there!" Buggy the Clown guffawed with his crew. "Man, I love this show!"

"I don't sleep around!" Crocodile shouted at the crowd more than at the presenter. The marines were obviously enjoying themselves, laughing at his misfortune. They were definitely ready to shoot him with water pistols if he decided to attack. God knew he couldn't handle much more public shaming.

Cavendish decided to test his luck even more. "And you don't need therapy- _apparently_." Once again, he only directed the last part to the audience.

Sengoku suddenly stood up and shouted, " _Oh_ , he _do_ need therapy!" The rest of the crowd agreed. Some fangirls chanted Cavendish's name.

Once the excitement subsided, Crocodile tried to remember the question. "If you must know, we met the day of the Pirate King's execution."

Cavendish tried to do the maths, even going so far as to count with his fingers until the producer spoke through his earpiece. "Before the child/adult was born?"

"Yes…" Crocodile answered slowly, determined not to release any emotion.

"And how does that make you feel?" the presenter asked with a soft tone of voice, hoping the camera was ready for Crocodile's upcoming moment of weakness.

Crocodile tried to hide his eyes nonchalantly as he inhaled deeply. "…Well it makes me feel…" the man paused when his voice betrayed him and cracked. He tried to concentrate on happy thoughts. "…a little…" _fire, people screaming, I am the best, happy, happy thoughts not working!_ "…bad, I guess." He couldn't stop his heavy face from falling, looking ashamed at his mirror image on the large TV screen.

The crowd simultaneously _awwed_.

"Croco-boy, stop looking so pathetic," Ivankov shouted while blowing a tissue.

"Do you want a tissue Chopper?" Robin asked. She had taken plenty.

" _Sniffle_ , thhhanks Rwobin!" Chopper cried before accepting the whole packet.

"What a heartbreaking tale this is turning out to be," Cavendish commented. "Let's have the other side of the story. Please everyone welcome, Donquixote Doflamingo!"

There were some cheers but they were overshadowed by the passionate boos. Doflamingo ignored them. He was frowning at Crocodile, though he chose to still sit next to him. "Crocodile, who is this guy that is apparently your…soul mate? I thought you only had eyes for me?"

"What?" Crocodile burst out in disbelief. He had regained enough composure to light a thick cigar. "You moron, you're the guy!"

Mouth opening slightly, his eyebrows continued to rise as he read the writing again. "Oh, I'm sorry. The whole 'son' thing threw me off. I thought you understood I don't want to have any biological children after what happened to the rest of-,"

Crocodile pulled a very scary face. "THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME WANTING A CHILD WITH YOU THIS IS ABOUT YOU ALREADY HAVING A SON YOU IDIOT READ IT FUCKING PROPERLY!"

Calmly, Doflamingo looked at the writing again. There was some talk in the audience once again about Crocodile needing therapy. Soon enough, Doflamingo turned to smile at the man sitting by his side. He was crying and sniffling, "You said we're soul mates Crocci?"

"No." he indignantly replied. "I never saa-," It happened so suddenly he had no time to fight off Doflamingo's embrace that covered his mouth. Crocodile struggled to breathe.

"I wonder Doflamingo," Cavendish smirked at Crocodile's moment of silence, "is 'soul mates' how _you_ would describe your relationship with him?"

Doflamingo felt his cheeks burn. "Well Crocodile never liked to put labels on what we have. When I, for a joke, called him my…boyfriend…for example, he tried to jab me with his hook." He glanced at the crowd for a second before he spoke the following in a hushed voice only to the presenter, "Crocci's very conscious about what people think of him."

Cavendish gave Crocodile a look that could only be described as pity. The former rolled his eyes as his 'partner' continued to talk. "If 'soul mates' is how he describes us…then who am I to argue?"

With little encouragement from the host, the crowd started to applaud and cheer. Some people going as far as throwing roses and other things at the stage. Cavendish got so caught up in the enthusiasm; he started high fiving rows of the audience.

Doflamingo turned to Franky. "Franky, I'm surprised that Crocodile decided to announce our relationship on TV…I guess after all these years, it feels right. Although I wish I could know if we have my family's blessing."

"Funny you say that Doflamingo," Franky replied, "because your family is in the audience tonight!"

"They're here?"

Crocodile blew smoke at him. "What do you mean 'they're here?' you arrived here with them!"

"Why don't we get a shout out from them?" Cavendish spoke up, drawing the camera to him for just a second before people in the middle row stood up and cheered for Doflamingo.

"Can't we just read the DNA results?" Crocodile sighed.

The cameraman followed Cavendish, trying to run up the stage before Crocodile finished talking. He failed.

"Senor Pink," Cavendish shouted as he ran towards him like a reporter, "What is your family's reaction and how much do you like _The Cavendish Show_?"

The man dressed as a baby sucked on his dummy until a microphone was passed to him. "I won't speak on behalf of the family. They have their own opinions and I have mine. All I want to say to the Young Master is: falling in love is the easy part, to make it work requires hard work and honesty. It can get messy but it's worth holding on to. As for the show…it's alright."

 _He really likes it_ , Cavendish giggled to himself before turning to Baby 5. "I've heard someone managed to escape Doflamingo's scythe. Congratulations Mrs Don Sai!"

The audience started their applause and shouted their best wishes.

"Thank you everyone," Baby 5 smiled. "I'm very happy Young Master didn't kill my husband. I wish him and Sir Crocodile well!"

"Doffy, we'll be here for you no matter what the results say," Diamanté shouted.

"We love you Young Master!" the rest of the family chorused.

Doflamingo smiled wildly, hearing his family's blessing. "Thanks guys!"

Crocodile sighed. He knew things had gotten off topic, "You don't know what this is about, do you?"

"Of course I do, fufufu," Doflamingo laughed while hanging his arm on the back of the chair. "This is about us being soul mates and we're having couple therapy."


	3. The Results

It took nearly an hour to get things back on track. Really, a five minute break was enough. Doflamingo finally understood what the show was about and it was going to start again. Then a guest _had_ to mention something about tea and coffee. Cavendish tried to insist that they could all have a drink after the show ended but everyone felt too thirsty to wait.

After everyone came back from various cafes, smoothie bars and other bars, everyone was feeling refreshed and ready to watch the show.

"This is me being honest," Doflamingo replied, holding his glass of wine as he thought about Cavendish's question about him possibly being a father. "I've never been with anyone other than Crocodile since we met."

"That's what they all say," Crocodile said only to the air.

"I mean," Doflamingo tilted his head in thought. He flirted with the possibility of being the father. "I could be. I get these blanks between conscious days. For instance, I fell asleep on the couch one day and when I woke up - I was next to the fridge. Trebol told me I was sleepwalking. Perhaps during one of those unconscious moments…I fathered a child?"

Crocodile frowned, slowly taking the wine away from Doflamingo's hand. "You're saying sleepwalking could cause you to be a father?"

"Maybe?" Doflamingo laughed at his empty hands, deciding now was a good time to play with Crocodile's hair. He leaned against the other's shoulder. In retaliation, Crocodile whacked him with his hook.

Cavendish's face went pale as he listened in before he finally exploded. "BUT I SLEEPWALK! THAT MEANS I COULD BE THE REAL DAD!" he grabbed onto the camera as he steadied his breathing. "Is this some kind of cruel plot twist on _The Cavendish Show_? Am I the father of the lost boy?"

At this point, the bird was attempting to sit on Crocodile, having made a complete mess of the latter's hair. Fed up with it, Crocodile turned into sand, reforming on a different couch. He smirked as he fixed his hair and watched with amusement Doflamingo's smile. He laughed but the blonde was not happy.

"Don't be ridiculous," Crocodile replied to the presenter as he smoked his cigar.

Cavendish didn't seem to hear, "WE BOTH HAVE BLONDE HAIR!"

"Hold on a second _pretty boy_ – you're the same age," Crocodile said while rolling his eyes.

"CAN I GET A DNA TEST AFTER THIS SHOW?!" Cavendish shouted at the camera man.

"Go for it, bro," the camera answered in a patient tone of voice.

"Not by using my money," Crocodile told them.

Not knowing how to pay for his boss' desire or how to let him down, the camera remained silent.

Doflamingo looked longingly at Crocodile, his drunken brain trying to sober up. "If he couldn't be conceived when I was sleep walking, then I'm telling you, my perfect Crocci, I have not fathered any children because…because I, Donquixote Doflamingo, have only eyes for you and- and…let's stop all this nonsense and leave together and get married!"

The audience began to _awww_.

Crocodile on the other hand was having none of it. "Screw you, I want my fucking DNA test results."

"Fufufu, then I'll get it for you," Doflamingo smiled, flexing his fingers.

Cavendish jumped when the envelope he was holding escaped out of his grip. In no time at all, Doflamingo had the card in his hands. Ignoring the doodle of a man riding a horse (in one hand the prince held a bird's cut off head and in the other hand an oversized sword) he began opening the envelope.

Crocodile was impressed. Why hadn't he thought of that? Nervous, he leaned out of his chair.

Seeing his 'soul mate's' expression made Doflamingo all the more keen. "I spoil you too much."

"Just open the damn envelope."

"And the results are," Doflamingo stopped. He stared blankly at the paper before the veins on his forehead could be seen a mile away as it pulsed red. "What the hell?"

Crocodile's heart dropped. It wasn't good news. You didn't have to be a genius to understand Doflamingo's reaction.

"Give that back!" Cavendish snatched the card and envelope. "You've ruined illusion of the envelope now!"

"How was I to know it'd be blank," Doflamingo pouted before looking around the stage as if he lost something. "Whose bright idea was that?"

"The producer's," Cavendish replied. "The boss knew something like this would happen so instead I'm told the results through my earpiece. The envelope is only used for dramatic purposes."

Next the paper was stolen by sand. Crocodile brooded over the blank piece of paper that had sat inside Cavendish's envelope. The presenter once again retrieved his card with a huff.

Doflamingo laughed with his found bottle of wine as he refilled his glass. Crocodile responded by filling the drink with sand before calling him a moron.

Taking the hint, Cavendish decided to introduce his last guest on tonight's show. "He's the one we're all thinking about, is Doflamingo really his dad? Please welcome the Straw Hat Pirate's Cook, Sanji!"

Walking with plates of delicious food, Sanji straight away served Nami, Robin and Luffy (well Luffy just helped himself really). "So who is the sucker that's walked in?" Sanji smirked at his crew. He looked disappointed no one but his 'waiters', who were serving his food, came out. "He must have run a mile. I can't blame the guy," Sanji shrugged before placing his hands in his pockets.

"Why does nobody listen to my introductions?" Cavendish frowned, placing his hand under chin. "Sanji get over here!"

There was a struggle when Sanji realised what was happening – he was the surprise guest - only truly hitting him when Robin apologised for tricking him. Zoro and Luffy were glad to be of assistance, dragging a kicking and screaming Sanji onstage.

"I'm going to kill you, old geezer," Sanji growled at Crocodile, as he lights a much needed cigarette.

"Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing," Doflamingo tilted his head, a thin line of irritation in his voice.

Crocodile scoffed at the two, wondering if they were the crazy ones or him. Crocodile only had chats with Sanji over a snail phone. There was something in the sound of Sanji's voice and his alias 'Mr Prince' that set him off thinking about Doflamingo. Then he saw Sanji's appearance. It only led to more connections. In a way, he wasn't surprised when neither of the two thought they were related to each other when Cavendish asked.

 _They are the idiots_ , Crocodile decided.

"Well since you brought us all here, why don't you tell us why you're convinced otherwise, Sir Crocodile," Cavendish asked as he bit into some celery. Everyone in the audience and everyone on the stage were now eating their lunch. "My compliments to the chef by the way."

"I can't imagine someone from my biological family being a cook," Doflamingo said, before biting into his steak.

Crocodile was rifling through all his pockets with his single hand, while also struggling to balance the plate that had rice jumping off of it. He should've been more insistent that he wasn't hungry and didn't need lunch. "It's because you'd rather be served food than make it. Using those high class taste buds of yours, you could probably be a world class chef if you wanted to. Your love of good music, food and women was partly why you were drawn to Dressrosa.."

"The food was _partly_ why I took over Dressrosa. I mostly took it over because it was my birthright."

"Your lineage is also part of my theory too," Crocodile huffed, clearly getting frustrated in his search. "Sanji has that chivalrous side to him and a moral code – unlike you – but he could just be a slightly more humble Prince than you. And then there's the whole bounty fiasco. If the marines thought he was your kid, then it might make more sense."

"Not to me," Sanji bluntly stated.

Finally Crocodile brought out the lists, offering his companions to read. "Read these and tell me you're not related."

Doflamingo eagerly took it. The younger blonde got up to read over the other's shoulder but, annoyingly, he realised he couldn't get a good view. Doflamingo was too tall. Noticing Sanji's struggle with delight, the bird announced he didn't inherit his height before passing the papers to him. Doflamingo could still read it easily without Sanji needing to go on his knees.

"There's a lot more about me, is my feelings about pet crocodiles really relevant?"

"This is Robin-san's handwriting 3 It's so pretty!"

"You put my blood type as 'possibly rare dash Celestial Dragon'? My doctor must be really serious about patient confidentiality. Or be more scared of me than you, fufufu!"

"Many people lived in the North Blue, doesn't mean they're my father."

"He does have Rocinante's curly eyebrows…"

"You're both quite fashion conscious," Crocodile added as he scooped up some rice. "Even if you don't have good tastes…"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY OLD FART?!" Sanji swaggered over to him.

"Whoa, whoa," Doflamingo smiled, "Why'd you have to make a dig just now?"

The presenter moved to intervene before anything unpleasant happened. Reading quickly off the list, Cavendish asked them to stand next to each other and compare legs.

"They both like to use their legs in fights," Cavendish tried to explain to the audience. The two rolled up their breaks as far as their knees.

"You certainly have the Donquixote legs…" Doflamingo noted, a strange feeling in his stomach.

"I do?" Sanji replied quickly.

"I've witnessed the power in your kicks first hand," he responded as his voice deepened. "Perhaps you're really…"

"Your son?" Sanji finished.

The two froze for a second, staring at each other. Finally, Sanji couldn't hold his tears in any longer, and got pulled into an embrace. Doflamingo smiled silently. The audience bursts into a round of applause. Usopp and a few others bragged that they knew it all along. Fujiitora easily parted with his money, giving it to Akainu. It wasn't often he didn't mind losing a bet.

Cavendish stared at the audience's ecstasy with a sense of panic. _This isn't right_ , he thought. Like a child deprived of attention, he broke Sanji and Doflamingo's hug, stepping in between them and holding his microphone closely. "HOLD ON EVERYONE!" the presenter spat. "I understand that this is the first episode so you guys may misunderstand some things. _That_ wasn't the DNA test," he indicated his guests' legs furiously before raising the envelope coolly, " _this_ is."

The audience gasps.

"And I got a new envelope from the producer when nobody was looking which _honestly_ contains the results." Cavendish had to stop himself from winking at the camera. He turned to Doflamingo. "To not ruin the magic, don't steal it this time you vulture!"

"Are you actually going to open it now?" Crocodile hissed.

"Chicken-legs," Sanji said, watching Cavendish open the envelope. "We were getting too ahead of ourselves…"

Sanji couldn't read his face if he wanted to with the permanent smile and sunglasses that hid any nerves.

"No matter what it may say Sanji, I want you to know: you'll always find a home at wherever my crew decides to settle in after getting kicked out of Dressrosa."

"I, Cavendish, on _The Cavendish Show_ can now reveal that Donquixote Doflamingo…" the presenter paused, desperate to smell the building tension of the room but only getting Sanji's cigarette smoke.

"GET ON WITH IT CABBAGE!"

"Is _not_ the baby's father!"

Fujiitora smirked as he won his money back. Luffy refused to believe it. Ivankov commented this was great TV. Zoro was asleep.

"But I was so sure," Crocodile muttered. He felt like a fool.

"Whoa, whoa Sanji," Doflamingo reached for the cook's sleeve before being brushed off. Sanji was wanting to storm off.

It was Cavendish who stopped him. "Curly brows, I wouldn't leave just yet…"

"Let him leave. The DNA results were the last thing on the show," Crocodile said, getting up from his seat.

"The results are the last thing- I'm not finished reading them out yet." Cavendish craved the audience's gasps like his favourite song. "Doflamingo may not be Sanji's father, but he is in fact a member of the Donquixote family. Black foot Sanji is Doflamingo's nephew!"

"But that's impossible," Doflamingo frowned. "I only had one biological brother."

"I'm afraid it's the truth," a voice from the audience said. Everyone's eyes turned to look at Trafalgar Law for an explanation. He was calm and collected as he elaborated. "My gut feeling knew that Corazon is Sanji's father. I just felt it was better to let things unfold by themselves rather than meddle."

"I also knew the truth," Sengoku announced as he stood up. He looked Sanji straight in the eye. "I knew your father very well. He wanted you to have a normal life and to keep your parentage a secret from the world and Doflamingo. However, I think you're ready now."

"Even after his death, Rocinante kept a secret this big from me," Doflamingo thought out loud, unsure of how he felt.

Sanji on the other hand, had only one question. "Who the hell is Corazon?"

* * *

Once Sanji was filled in on his father's life, an after party that lasted the whole weekend ensued. Even though he couldn't meet his biological father, Sanji insisted he was fine with it. And he was. Shitty geezer Zeff is his real father and Doflamingo couldn't argue when he sat with his own crew. The Donquixote pirates are his real family.

After the show, Sanji and Doflamingo send the odd Christmas cards to each other. Every month or so, the Uncle even phones up his nephew to check on how he is. Neither has tried to kill each other yet. They have a good relationship.

As for Doflamingo's relationship with Crocodile, after weeks of paparazzi stalking them and people cooing over them, the pair announced their separation. However, there is the odd sighting of the two together. This brings their shippers hope.

 _The Cavendish Show_ was a hit and still airs to this day. It has helped many families and friends through tough times and has turned many into couch potatoes. Cavendish is now a household name and he couldn't be happier.

And the producer you ask? Well she only visits the show occasionally. The producer is still rather preoccupied sailing the world with the new King of the Pirates. After all, _The Cavendish Show_ was only meant to be a one-off for 'Devil's Child' Nico Robin.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading (^w^)**

 **For some reason I can't post the full links below where I read the Sanji and Corazon theory but just copy and paste the line after the** **'Link 1/2 -' writing that is below into google and it should be the first results you click on. Sorry, I can't seem to make it any easier...maybe it's illegal but I'd feel bad for not posting the sources. If it is illegal, please tell me. Oh crud, why**

 **Link 1 - Youtube Vid - /CKBq01Qflvw**

 **Link 2 - Opforum - /threads/theory-rocinante-is-sanjis-dad.8510/**


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